The Moose Expect Me to Wear a Tuxedo

I should be arriving in Vienna right now. The lovely Danube River should this very minute be gurgling along 20 feet beneath my plump, bratwurst-fed hindquarters, delivering me into the classiest city in the world. The Viennese don’t seem to make any effort to be...

For God’s Sake, Don’t Let Me Reproduce

I like strong-willed children. I believe they will go far if they’re not hanged. It’s my bias, of course. I was known to be a kid who followed the rules, but in fact I was a kid who broke the rules whenever they aggravated me. I just didn’t get caught very often. It’s...

A Kick in the Shin is Better Than Sex

This post is an excerpt from my compilation Bring Us The Head Of The Velveteen Rabbit, available at Amazon and at Barnes and Noble. It contains a good number of essays from this blog with new photos and sarcastic captions, plus some essays not found here–all in...