You have clicked on a link and reached the weirdest of all my posts. I wrote it because I am stupid, or my computer is stupid, or possibly because the internet is stupid.

For a variety of reasons, I self-publish. Actually, there are only two reasons. First, although people who weren’t my mom told me my work was worth reading, no literary agent agreed with them.

Second, my dad died. Afterwards I said to myself, “Why wait another five or ten years for an overworked literary agent who drinks too much to give my book a shot? And then wait a year or more while they sell it to a publisher – maybe? And then wait another couple of years for it to be published?”

In other words, I got tired of abasing myself before people to people who could crush my dreams. If I wanted that, I could keep my day job.

I’m glad I chose to self-publish. I’m selling books and plan to sell a lot more, like I’m at the salad bar of success. There’s a lot to learn, including to PROTECT YOURSELF. People can sue anybody for anything. Somebody could sue me because they read one of my books, laughed so much they dropped their keys down the storm drain, got stuck outside, and lost a toe to frostbite. A toe has got to be expensive.

Enter Infinite Monkeys Publishing LLC, of which I am the sole shareholder. Now I need to display Infinite Monkeys Publishing LLC on my website with pride. I created my site, and it works pretty well, so I figured it would be a thirty-minute job.

Five hours later (two of which I spent cursing the software, its developers, the support forum, the entire user community, and my liberal arts degree), I had tried everything I could think of without meditation and beer.

My choices were:

  1. Meditate, drink, and try esoteric approaches unavailable to the unaltered mind. And not get any writing done today.
  2. Brute-force the son of a bitch so I can write about bloodshed and whimsy.

I chose the second. It involved creating this post and naming it with the exact phrase I want on the homepage.

To celebrate, I will now write about somebody throwing a magic knife *through* some dude and killing the guy behind him too.